I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
