You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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