so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
