had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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