Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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