smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hello my rib-scented angel!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
