Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
