we have pet lesbian snakes
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I want to fling myself into the sun
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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