Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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