News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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