I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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