Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
