I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
