I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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