Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
