just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
