Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
