god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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