I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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