Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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