She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
