I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
