i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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