did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
