Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
