I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
