i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
