I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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