When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
