lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
