I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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