Umm I'm too high to move.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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