if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
