M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
