we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
