can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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