3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is wine microwaveable?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
