There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
