there's paper in my vomit.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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