I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
