I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
