Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
