im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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