Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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