i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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