I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
