Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
