The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
