i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
