the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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