I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
